I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
