On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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