I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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