my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
