Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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