I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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