that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
