i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
