She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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