I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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