I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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