I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
