One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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