how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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