i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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