I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
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