my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
