I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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