I don't usually arrange sex via text message
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
