His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
