I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
