my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
