Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
21 Millennials Confess The Most Awkward Way Someone Has Tried Hitting On Them
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches