I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza