My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
