I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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