I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
