my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
