Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
