I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
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What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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