the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
