Pants 0. Shit 1.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
