i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
