Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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