I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
