You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
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It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
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I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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