Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Randomize
