Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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