On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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