And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
