3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
