my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
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I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
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I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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