i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
