i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
