So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
