How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
