I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
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i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
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Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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