that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
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It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
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Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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