I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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