I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Can Purell be used as lube?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
