I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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