I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
