Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
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Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
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I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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