Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
