I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
