Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
